Jokes JOKES....be warned!!!

"wiseman does not piss into wind?"

LOL gutter mind....... my uncle is jesus... if you guys knew some spanish i could post up a bunch garenteed to make you LOL. its not the same if i translate them since alot of the words get mixed, and different meanings and stuff..

mexican word of the day... nissan

"when i have sex with my wife i brn my nissan the carpet"

harrasment=======

"my wife caught me with the maid, but i told her harrasment nothing to me"

water========

"my girl gets upset easy and i dont know water problem is"

liver and cheese======

"some guy tried to sweet talk my girl, i told him liver alone.. cheese mine ese!"

herpes===

"me and my wife ordered a pizza, i got my peice and she got herpes"

"Careful man. I have a beverage over here!"

juicy===

"hey man ill roll the joint just tell me if juicy the cops"

Juarez==== (its a last name)

"my mom slapped me and i told her juarez ur fawkin problem"

breif=

"my homie farted and i couldnt breif"

sodas==

"my wife sux at giving head sodas her sister"

butter and lettuce===

"i wanna marry my second cuzin butter parents wont lettuce"

bishop===

"me and the wifey went clubing, she got drunk and fell and i had to pick the bishop"

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
"Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

Bad bad bad...... still funny though.

ROFL

OMG LOL Horrible... Horribly entertaining.

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.





He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.




The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.





One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.




As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.





When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.



He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end to shield themselves.





One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.



'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.



'

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said "Mujibar, you have passed all the test except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said "I am ready"

The manager said "make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green"

Mujibar said "I am ready"

The manager said go ahead.

Mujibar said "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say Yellow, this is Mujibar"



Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

I like the falling woman one. LOL

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

Lol