Jokes *Li'l Laugh

*Li'l Laugh

Sexual Harassment
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Cake or Bed
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrups.

"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine."

Then his wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine."

She says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

"I'm not a damm carpenter and I don't fix steps," He sayd. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"I've had enough of you," he said, "I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. Soon he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.

As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer he noitces the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man came along and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

The husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "Helloooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker Written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Creative Dentistry
There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."

After a while he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth."

A Little Girl's Fire Truck
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and she's wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl said.

The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," said the fire fighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Why Buy The Cow
For all those men who say,

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

"Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage."

Indian and Woman on Horseback
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "YeeeeHaaaaa!" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yeeeeehaaaaaa!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

Calling the Hard Way
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don't have any money... but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything?"

And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!"

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."

With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"

She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very close to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"

The Chicken and the Egg
A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers THAT long-asked question!"


Three Naked Black Men
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."

The Girl from the South
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya`ll from?"

The Northern girl turned her nose up, and said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya`ll from, bitch?"

Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room."

So, she did.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Clide Who Died
Clyde died in a fire, his upper body was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke were sent for. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said, "No, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" Said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes!"