Jokes JOKES....be warned!!!

JOKES....be warned!!!

time for some jokes ............


G.E. goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, "I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?" G.E. says no.

The doctor asks G.E. what he does all day. G.E. responds, "Nothing." The doctor is really puzzled now and says, "You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?"

G.E. replies, "Honestly, doc I don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos."




So John has been seeing this girl, Wendy, for a while and decides that he wants to tatoo her name to his penis. So he does and he notices that when his dick is shriveled up all that shows is, "Wy."

One day John walks in to the showers at a local gym and notices a Big Jamaican in there. He thinks nothing of it and starts showering next to him. A few minutes later John couldn't help but notice that the Jamaican had, "Wy," on his dick too.

John says "Hey man, is your girl friends name Wendy too?"
Jamaican says "What you talkin bout, mon?"
John continues " I noticed your dick says, 'Wy.' I was wondering if it was short for Wendy."
Jamaican says "No mon, it says, 'Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!.'"

Quick Sex


Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,

'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the t ime you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend; she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

LOL

Oh the business one is priceless.
:grinyes:

hahahaha sounds like something I would do.

cheetos! ha!!!!!:lol

LOL!

:grinyes:

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards
on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by
this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under
there?"

John admitted that, well, yes he did.

She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute
or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since
Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her
house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her
$100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came
home about 6:00 pm and asked his wife, "Did John come by this
afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he gave me
$100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed
$100 from me and said he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me
back







Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.



They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.



The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."



POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.



Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land."



POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."



The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."



The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

wow, that kinda helped my day. been stressed out all day.

LOL... The office borrowing money. Now that sounds like me..:rule:

hahaha free sex!

lol the first one is my fave

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVE....HEHE


Steve and John, two builders, are sitting having a couple of
pints in a spit and sawdust pub, chewing the fat and such when
a well heeled business type chap walks in with his blackberry
and briefcase in tow, sits at the bar and orders a G & T.

The two are surprised to see someone dressed up so smart in
the notorious tavern they are in and begin to discuss what this
city gent could do for a living.

"Accountant or Lawyer, no danger" says John

"Nah, looks like a lawyer to me" says Steve

Time and fluid passes and, as Steve heads to the Gents, so
does the chap at the bar.

"Ask him what he does for a living" says John

"Alright" says Steve

The two men are next to each other at the urinal, going about
their respective businesses, so Steve takes the oppurtinity to broach the subject.

"Sorry to be intrusive fella, but what do you do for a living?"

"No intrusion at all" replies the man "I'm a logical scientist"

"A what?" says Steve "What's that all about then?"

"Tell you what, I'll give you an example" offers the man "Do
you own a goldfish?"

"Yes I do" answers Steve

"And logically speaking, you keep this in a pond or a bowl, I
assume" says the scientist.

"A pond actually" says Steve

"So on that basis I would go so far to say as you have a decent
size garden then"

"Huge" says Steve

"In which case, and correct me if I'm wrong, you have a fairly
large house?"

"Yep, five bedrooms, built it myself"

"Nice, good, well done pal, so I would assume that having five
bedrooms you don't live on your own then" suggests the scientist
"Correct, I live with the wife and our three kids"

"Sounds lovely, so without wishing to become too personal, you and
the wife have a fairly good sex life, what with popping out three
little ones!"

"Fairly good! Me and the wife are at it 6 times a week without
fail!" Exclaims Steve

"Nice one mate, get in. So, logically, with all that sex going
on you don't masturbate very often?" enquires the scientist

"Me......never" says Steve

"Well there you have it then" says the scientist. "From me asking
if you have a goldfish, I've found out about your 'personal
reflection time' habits"

"Thats amazing" says Steve, before they say goodbye, put their
pieces away and head back to the bar. Steve sits down and carries
on supping his ale.

"WELL" says John "What does he do then?"

"Oh, he's a logical scientist" Steve answers

"What's that all about then?" enquires John

"I'll give you an example" says Steve "Do you own a goldfish?"

"No" says John

"Well then" says Steve "You jack off"







A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota "

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........"




While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with
a dog and a sheep. He began a conversation:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."



A man dies one day and he goes to hell, there he quickly becomes scared of how bad it's going to be from now on. Moments later the devil shows up and greets the man.

"Welcome to hell", the devil says, "How are you?"

The man responds, "Well im pretty bummed out, i'm in hell", then the devil says
"I'ts no so bad here, do u drink?" The man says yes, then the devil says, "Well you are gonna love Mondays, cuz its alcohol day, we got every drink you could imagine, we got beers, rum, wine, whiskey, anything you like we have, and theres no hangover the next day or worrying about ur liver because youre dead"

The man likes this so he cheers up a little, then the devil asks him, "Do you like smoking?" The man also says yes, then the devil says," Well you are gonna like Tuesdays since its the day of smoking, we have every kind of Ciggarettes you could think of and you dont need to worry about your lungs cuz youre dead"

Again the man cheers up because he likes this, he starts thinking maybe it wont be so bad being in hell, then the devil asks "Do you like gambling?" And the man says yes to this too, he mentions he loves going to the casion all the time, then the devil says, "You are gonna enjoy Wednesdays because thats gambling day, we got every single game you could find in any casino, from blackjack to poker, from craps to roulette, anything ud like and it wont matter if u loose all ur money cuz ur dead anyways"

After telling this to the man the devil asks "Do you like drugs?" The man quickly responds "Hell yeah!" And the devil says "Well youre gonna love Thursdays because we have every kind of drug that you had while u were alive"

The man then is convinced that Heaven couldn't have been better than where he is now so he stops being sad abou dying and going to hell. Then the devil asks him "Are you gay?" Then man says no, then the devil responds "Well you are not going to like Fridays..."

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.


"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table."


And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I look forward to
introducing you to right after dinner." The teacher fainted

LOL

I Got Some More Coming......

lol..................... coming............ lol hahahahahaha thats a good one too!!!!

Your mind is in the gutter a lot these days. LOL

yup..seriously!...u took the words outta my mouth

unfortunately, I think i've heard most of these jokes before.. This is what i get for having a friend who loves jokes and loves to tell them when he's butt drunk..

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.


She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up, I'll
need
all your children's names."


'This one's my oldest; he is Leroy" "OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one, he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but Continues.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL
Named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes- it makes it easier.

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell,
'Leroy!'
An ' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a
runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I
just
yell
Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming'
them all
Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and
says tentatively,

"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole Bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names."




Saw a billboard that said:

Need help, call Jesus.'
1-800-005-3787

...Out of curiosity I did. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck

LOL at both of them.

I know Jesus too, but he studies with me. LOL

i know one too, but this one drinks alot of beers

How about the pedophile Jesus from The Big Lebowski?

Oh crap.... Im not calling jesus.

damn it, I think i know like 10 Jesus's. plus i'm sure there are more who I know their face and probably is also named Jesus.

Probably one of my top three movies ever.

"F**kin' Quintana... that creep can roll, man."
"Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude. "
"Yeah."
"No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old."
"Oh!"
"When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast."
"What's a... pederast, Walter?"
"Shut the f**k up, Donny."

Lol.....

My favorite is : The correct nomenclature is Asian American.

And then they start saying Chinaman again. LOL

"It was a f*ckin marmot!"

"A chinaman peed on your rug?"