Jokes Disorder in The American Courts

Disorder in The American Courts

I got these in an email from a friend this morning.
Pretty pathetically funny to me.

> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
> published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
> these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>
>
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
>
> ____________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>
>
> WITNESS: July 18th.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What year?
>
>
> WITNESS: Every year.
>
>
> _____________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
>
>
> the impact?
>
>
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
>
>
> your memory at all?
>
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
>
>
> memory?
>
>
> WITNESS: I forget.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
>
>
> of something you forgot?
>
>
> _____________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>
>
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>
>
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>
>
> _____________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
>
>
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>
>
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>
>
> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>
>
> WITNESS: We both do.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>
>
> WITNESS: We do.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: You do?
>
>
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>
>
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>
> ___________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>
>
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
>
>
> _______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
>
> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>
>
> _____________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>
>
> WITNESS: Uh....
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>
>
> WITNESS: None.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>
>
> WITNESS: By death.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>
>
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
>
>
> pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>
>
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
> people?
>
>
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
> to?
>
>
> WITNESS: Oral.
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>
>
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>
>
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
> an autopsy on him!
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
>
> WITNESS: Huh?
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a
> pulse?
>
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
>
> ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
>
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>
>
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>
>
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law.
>
>


_________________

Nice. Those never get old, always good for a laugh.