Jokes Offensive Joke Thread

roflmfao

why didn't jesus drink at the last supper?

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he knew he was going to get hammered the next day

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."





As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

i don't get the last one

I didnt get the Jesus joke...

How do you do the hide spoiler button?!?!


EDIT:
Figured it out

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Like this.

Sigh...

A 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, “Do you need a priest?”
The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like this?”


How many legs are there on there on 3 roosters? (wait for answer)
How many beaks are there on 4 roosters? (wait for answer)
How many wings are there on 12 roosters? (wait for answer)
Now how many teeth are in a cat's mouth? (wait for answer)
$hit, you sure know quite a bit about cock than pussy!


A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed, reading. He says, "This is the pig I fock when you have a headache." His wife looks up, and says, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep." The man replies, "I think you'll find that I'm not talking to you!"


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."


A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the $hit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it. The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fock off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you've done.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen!”

So a black guy, mexican, and a white guy are walking on a beach. They come across a genie will grant each of them 3 wishes. The mexican says he wants all his mexican brothers to be free and back in mexico...the genie goes poof and they are all back in mexico. The black guy says he wants all his black brothers to be free and back in africa...genie goes poof and they are all back in africa. The genie asks the white guy what he wants. He says so all the black people and mexicans are out of america...genie says yeah...well ill have a coke

LOL @ fish's jokes. Loved the last one best!

That should be the American indian`s having that coke and all Whites go back to there Island.

its from boondock saints

it is a good joke .

it's a play on getting hammered when you drink and jesus getting nailed to the cross which you need a hammer.

lol

Was he serious that he didn't get it? I thought he just didn't think it was funny, hence the name of the thread : "Offensive Joke"

LOL - lot of there are pretty good.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
- So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you fix a woman's watch?
- You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women do?
- Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.



Three little ducks go into a Bar.....

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

LOL at the duck joke.

A woman turns to her fella and says, 'Say something that will make me happy, mad and sad at the same time.' He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well...you've got a tighter pussy than your younger sister!."

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

I've noticed all of fishexpo's jokes are really sexist. LOL

Yup, all wifey approved. If I tell her the joke and she hits me - then I post it here

thread of the year

ROFL That's awesome.

original and funny:lol

Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?

















pizza doesn't screw when you throw it in the oven

isn't supposed to be "pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven"

yeah.....small typo