Worst Pooping Story Ever!!

Worst Pooping Story Ever!!

Ok I just read this on ClubWrx.net and I have to say that that is the hardest I have ever laughed reading a thread, ever.

Enjoy. I know it is long but trust me is is so worth the read. *snickers*

02-26-2007, 07:21 AM #1
cheeseybacon
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cheeseybacon is offline
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Waynesboro, PA
Posts: 5,353
Worst pooping experience evar!
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Last night I was subjected to what I believe is probably the worst defecation experience yet in my life. It all started earlier in the evening when a buddy and I stopped at Famous Dave's for supper. I decided to have the Cod and Ribs combo. For some reason it was really really salty and as a result I was in a state of constant thirst the entire time I was there. Under normal circumstances I would be pounding beer like a champion right about now, but alas I have foolishly given up beer for Lent, and if I can hold out, won't taste it again until Easter. Anyway, since I couldn't get beer I opted for Lemonade. I must have had at least 6 or 7 really huge glasses of lemonade. It was total madness; the waitress was alarmingly diligent about bringing them out essentially as fast as I could knock them back. Whether or not the excessive lemonade was really the cause of all of this madness is something I doubt I'll ever be able to determine. Due to the fact that I drank so much lemonade, I also didn't finish my entire meal and took the rest home with me. Later upon examination after the fact, I noticed that my ribs were significantly pinker than they probably should have been. Again, there is no real way to determine for sure whether if it was the ribs that did it. These ribs are "St. Louis style" which I guess is a fancy way of saying "hammy" because they're more like ham on a rib bone than a traditional rib. I suppose you could argue that the pinkness was acceptable since ham is indeed pink. Whether it was the questionable ribs or the excessive quantities of lemonade, I probably will never know and ultimately though none of that really matters. What does matter is the resulting chaos that followed soon afterwards.

Upon exiting Famous Dave's my buddy and I jumped on the highway and headed for home. Along the way my gut began to gurgle and growl and make all kinds of noises. At first I thought nothing of this, for I had just put away a massive quantity of meat and lemonade and was fully expecting a little protest from my stomach. While I knew that a need to visit the can sometime in the near future was inevitable, I didn't realize just how soon or how urgent that would be. We passed one rest stop, then another, and finally the last one on the highway before our exit. The next opportunity to stop would be at a convenience store a mere mile outside my hometown, which was still another 15 minutes away.

Then it happened. Believing that I was merely executing a substantial fart, I unintentionally tainted my drawers with a combination of solid, liquid and gas. I clenched my sphincter with all my might and the race to save my car seat was on. Knowing the sanctity of my seats, no, my whole car was at risk I put the pedal down. Immediately I came up behind a slow moving Chevy Astro van that was going exactly the speed limit. Angrily I dropped a gear and passed it in a no passing zone. It was like this the next 10 minutes. Never before in my life had I violated so many traffic rules in such a short timeframe. I proceeded to pass two more cars in the no-pass zone, failed to stop completely at two stop signs, and cut off one person at the round-about, all while driving at least 20-25 mph above the speed limit the majority of the time. It was awful, the pressure being exerted on my sphincter was absolutely astronomical.

Finally the little AC&T convenience store was in view. My posterior twitched with anticipation, knowing that relief would soon be had. As I was walking into the building my friend had the nerve to ask me stop, turn around, walk back to the car, and give him the keys so he could listen to the radio. I ignored his request and made a beeline for the bathroom, shuffling as fast as my woefully burdened hindquarters would permit.

Inside the bathroom's single stall, I was met with a horrific sight. The toilet seat was covered with small driblets of urine and there was a hard, slight tan-ish colored crust also scattered about the surface of the toilet seat. A lone pubic hair precariously hung from the edge of the seat. It was one of the most foulest looking toilet seats that I had seen in a while. Frantically I scrambled to wipe the surface and lay down toilet paper on the seat, but it was too late. My sphincter had bought me some time, but that time had run out. I had to poop and I had to poop NOW. Abandoning any hope of further prepping the seat, I turned around and began unbuckling my belt as fast as my shaking hands could muster. The pain was absolutely unbelievable.

I could hold it no longer. My pants weren't even halfway to my knees nor was I even on the seat yet when my ass unleashed a fecal torrent unlike any other I had ever experienced. As my sphincter failed, the release of immense fecal pressure created a violent, liquidly, shotgun-like blast that sprayed all over the place. Approximately half a second after the eruption had occurred, I made contact with the seat with a resounding thud. Immediately I braced myself with the handicap bars to keep from immediately slipping off the toilet seat as it was now slicker than ice. The next twenty minutes were an indescribable mixture of heaven and hell. The complete and utter relief of my digestive system was absolutely mind-blowing, but the whole act took at least 20 minutes to complete, with 3 additional bursts of vitriolic defecation. By the end I was completely exhausted and sore.

Finally all was quiet. My entire digestive system seemed to be totally empty at this point. I reached over to grab some toilet paper and to my horror, discovered there were only 3 pieces left. I was absolutely awestruck. This couldn't be happening. Out of all of the thousands of times that I could encounter an empty toilet paper roll in a public restroom, this had to be it. I stared dumbly at the essentially empty roll, completely totally devastated by my situation. Since my rear end was totally covered in sh*t, pulling my pants back up and leaving was not an option. With no pants on, I quickly ran out of the stall to grab some paper towels. I'm beginning to think at this point that the big guy upstairs must not have been happy with me for some reason or another, because the paper towel dispenser was one of those automatic dispensers that dispenses only a little bit of paper towel when you wave your hand over the motion sensor.

So here I was, standing in a public restroom, with no pants on, and sh*t all over my butt, attempting to get paper towels out of an automatic paper towel dispenser that slowly gave up paper towels a mere 6" at a time. I prayed with all my might that no one would come in, I couldn’t imagine what they'd think. After probably a whole minute at the paper towel dispenser (which felt like an eternity) I finally had a sufficient amount of paper towels to clean up with. As I returned to the stall, I was able to get a 3rd person look at the utter destruction. The toilet seat, surrounding walls and floor, the plumbing on the back of the toilet, the flusher handle, and the toilet paper dispenser had all been generously sprayed during the explosion. Even my Glock, which was unfortunately being carried IWB at the time, was not safe from the eruption. I cleaned myself up as best as I could, but left the devastation that I had wrought.

As I was leaving the store, I told the cashier that the bathroom was out of toilet paper.

rofl, the last line has had to have been the best, I can imagine with the cashier said when she(him) went over to the bathroom

:snap: :laughcry:

hahahhaha lol

................ OMG I can't believe I just read that. I'm scarred for life.

haha nice....

Roflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaahahaha! rofl

oh wow ... one night i ate chicken parmagean with some lemonade....threw up 4 hours later and was sick for a whole week later. lost 7 pounds though