Jokes Jeremy clarkson quotes

Jeremy clarkson quotes

Jeremy clarkson quotes:

On the handling of the Jag XJ220: “Our father who art in heaven,Ill be there in a minute.”

When they take a trip to the north pole: “Please do not write to us about drunk driving because I’m not driving I’m sailing”

“It stands to reason that the fewer parts you have on your Porsche, the more expensive it becomes. Until you get to the point where someone with no Porsche at all
walks past a showroom, they’re gonna get charged a million pounds.”

About the Clio V6 handling in a bend : “in typical French fashion it just gives up! A bit like the French did with the Germans.”

‘Diesel is the fuel of Satan!’

“A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”

When he was talking about the renault espace he says: "The renault espace is the best of the people carriers, that’s like saying oh yes i have syphilis, the best of
the sexually transmitted diseases"

On the Ford Mustang… “The only way I would own one of these was if I dated my sister”

i would rather blowtorch my nipples off!

on driving the viper… “its like a big, red, v10 axe murderer!”… and continues with… “its like going out with a good mate; kicks back a couple drinks, down for a laugh… the only problem is occasionally he likes to kill people”

“Getting it round a corner is like trying to get a wardrobe up a fire escape; it’s very hard work” … Jeremy’s opinion of the BMW Z8 Alpine…

“Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.”

"If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”

“The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite”

On diesels: "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

"We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."

"Supercars are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland
Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert."

On the BMW : "And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car."

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British
hotels. You just end up with a half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

On Alfa Romeo: "You cannot be a true petrolhead until you've owned one –It's like having really great sex which leaves you with an embarrassing itch."

And when you rely on a sat nav, you don’t notice that the sun is in the wrong place in the sky. You stop using your inbuilt compass, your innate sense of which way is up. And don’t argue with any of this. Everyone can navigate by instinct, and if you can’t there’s something wrong with you and you should be in prison. The only people who can’t navigate instinctively are women and anyone trying to find Malpensa airport in Milan.

Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you.

I've seen better looking gangrenous wounds than this. (Clarkson on the Porsche Cayenne)

(Referring to the Porsche Cayenne) 0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds...and about 17 gallons of fuel....

Now we've been told in this new series, we've got to feature more green cars. So here's one. It's really the greenest car we could find, really. (A bright green Lamborghini Murcielago)

Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all. (a Ferrari F430)

(At start of Top Gear Nov. 2005 season, after a teaser featuring dozens of supercars) welcome to Greenpeace!

This is the latest S Class. Now available with a very economical: Twin-turbo, Six litre... I don't mean economical do I? That's the wrong word...

I do apologise, we have wasted your evening, there are no good Korean or Malaysian cars.

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear, I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One day, it would pull your head off.

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

It's really as useful, as a snooze button on a smoke alarm. (Regarding the adjustable suspension in the Bentley Continental GT)

(Top Gear Bloopers) I've just realised something, it's late...and I'm drunk!

(Top Gear Bloopers) Who has decided to do Nazi Route Marching?

(Top Gear Bloopers)(Car Alarm Goes Off) Would you like to come to Top Gear again? Morons.

(On the Audi RCool Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.

I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail's egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts' belly button.

(On the Alfa Romeo Brera) Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You've heard she's mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn't you?

(On the Brera again, talking about a version with a slow 0-60mph time and a big price tag) It's like Cameron Diaz. You know she's a vegetarian, you know she's a commited eco-mentalist... would you say no? That car is like Cameron Diaz, with wheels.

We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

(On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG)It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.

(Ariel Atom) This is driving Nirvana! You can forget anything you've ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing on four wheels, that is as fast as this.

What Overfinch did with the old Range Rover was replace the 4.6 Litre Engine with a 5.7 Litre V8 from a Corvette. And thats fine in a car which weighs nearly 2 tonnes...If your name is BP Esso McShell.

I'd rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

(about the Ford GT40) Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.

Whenever I'm suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I'm straight off.

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

It costs Volkswagen 200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could propably make a couple of cars for that.

This is for every time I've caught you dawdling at junctions, this is for every time I've caught you doing 4 miles per hour in a motorway. This is PAYBACK TIME!! (Clarkson shouting at a Volvo 340 seconds before it is put through a crusher)

(about the Chevrolet Corvette Z06) In many ways then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun live with every day.

(on the McLaren F1 in his movie, Most Outrageous) I respect it enormously, in the same way I respected my old head master. But we never became friends.

(On a Audi RS4 Convertible) The only person who looked good in a 4-seated convertible was Adolf Hitler

(On the evolution of the Golf GTI between MkI and MkIV) I voted for this as the greatest car of the 20th century. Over the years, however, the Golf GTI got bigger, and fatter, and slower. Think of it as Elvis Presley. It started off all athletic and full of vigour, and wound up on the lavatory, an enormous, dribbling hulk.

(To Lewis Hamilton at the NTA Awards) ...And if you see Fernando Alonso again, tell him his eyebrows are too big...

(A cyclist riding past in Oxford) The thing is, around here - Oi! Did you see that? I was damn nearly knocked over by a cyclist!

love the quotes!

Those are great!

Diesel is the fuel of Satan!

Haha. Love that show.

He says funny stuff, but in all honesty hes a big douchebag

He's not a douche. He simply speaks the truth that others are afraid to do.

Fixed.




















































(JFWY)

Lol :d

jealous much cause you cant think as fast on your feet ?

Like what? Like being a racist, and not giving a shit about global warming or the environment?

gj toolbox

I think you're taking him too seriously. Humor is what makes the show(besides the cars obviously). Either way, he's expressing his opinion. Obviously, calling him a douchebag is you expressing yours too. Everyone should respect each others opinions and refrain from judging. Just because you don't agree with something, doesn't make it not true or wrong. And even if it is wrong, why let it get to you? Just don't watch the show.

Nono youre not getting it. Im not talking about the show, or him on the show, because Ill admit he is funny. But if you read up on him, youll find that he has no regard for the environmental state of the world we live in and hes super racist. Im not offended by that or anything. Hell, I just watched Gran Torino for the first time and laughed my ass off. But thats all Im saying.

meh. The dude's entertaining and that's all that matters.

Asshat.

On the BMW : "And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car."

Someone call press